Feeling lost

Does my Grey Matter?

I still don’t really think so, but I figured that I wanted a creative (or rather, emotional) outlet in my life, so I’m back here, screaming into the void, looking forward to what my echo has to say.

At a quick glance, I saw that my last post was written after I finished year 1 of medical school. Of course, I want to carry on from where I left off. How does your back feel after being on the edge of that seat for so long?

Over summer, I tried to overhaul my life. I thought of year 2 as my big opportunity to make up for countless lost and wasted opportunities in the land of yester-year (year 1).

I spent a great deal of time doing nothing. I read a lot of books, and actually developed a nice routine, of getting up at 7 each morning, to eat a hearty breakfast and read for a good while.

I’ve kept the same routine, but the reading has sadly fizzled away and onto the list of things that I should be doing, but gave up because I’m lazy. No, the real reason is that I’m busy. Or so I tell myself.

I began running each morning on the criminally-underused treadmill we have at home, but upon returning to uni, the hobby of running couldn’t hack the first week. No, actually it barely made it through the first day.

At one point, I was meditating daily, in order to give my mental health a bit of a boost. It was actually working as well, but for some stupid reason I gave it up. It’s amazing that I can’t be bothered to do something that helps me. The human brain is so dumb.

I bought myself a camera at the beginning of summer, for my birthday. I love it. I’ve been out shooting a bit and have a fair bit of pride for some of my photos. I shoot only black and white, as colour just doesn’t feel right to me, I can’t explain it, but when I try shooting in colour, I hate everything I take. Anyhow, I’ll talk about that another time.

The point of this post is that I feel lost. I had a lot of excitement for this new year of medical school, but like everything I look forward to in life, I’ve been screwed by my impossibly high expectations.

I’m exactly a week before my first exam of the year, (Nov. 14th) and I don’t feel at all prepared. I don’t think I’ve prepared enough, at all.

On top of this, I just don’t know what I’m doing at the moment. I feel very, very little enthusiasm for medicine. I think I like the romanticism of saving lives and having my life be worth living as a result. The harsh (present) reality however, is bucket-loads of work, most of which will be irrelevant by next year.

Going to any and all sessions feels like a chore now. I need time to study, I need time for myself.

I spent 4 months doing nothing. I need time to flesh out my thoughts and set my mind free for a while.

My social life is still practically non-existent, at least it feels that way. I miss my old friends, but I think they were more my friends in my head, than in reality.

I just really don’t know what I want right now. A hug would be a start, I suppose.

I’m scared I’m not going to ever be able to get my life straight. I’m really scared of that. It’s second year of med school and I feel as connected to people right now as I did back when I started high school, when I dared not to speak a word to the people around me in my new form class, due to the black boot of anxiety pushing my spirit down between the fibres of the carpet underneath the desk.

It’s almost 2020. I want more than anything to have children, but obviously a precondition to that is to find someone first. I’m not anxious about approaching people anymore, only about the fact that I’m not sure I would be able to be a part of a healthy long term relationship. Anyways, soon it’ll be the decade when I want to start a family (well I’d like to have a kid once I’m 28/29: in 2028/9). Time goes quicker as you get older, and I’m not getting any younger. The clock is ticking for me to start living a functional life.

I do have a plan, well kind of, and I’ll explain it another time. Right now, it’s 10:35pm, and I’m in a quiet corner of the library, sitting alone, and wishing I wasn’t.

2 thoughts on “Feeling lost

Add yours

  1. Hi Reece,
    I love this. I wouldn’t have the courage to speak up my thoughts out here.
    It’s strange how much of what you said echoed my own thoughts. I just had quick look at your blog and it’s so cleverly its arranged. It also sounds like photography is something you’ve got a knack for. 🙂
    Like you, I also wish I had as much energy as I wanted for all the things I wanted to do. I’ve come to realise, much of what we feel is quite normal. Outlets like this and the others you tried before help immensely. What helps more if we support each other in using these outlets. I can understand how your final exam has triggered so many of your thoughts to spill out – for what it’s worth I think it came out quite well. It’s natural to feel scared. I feel scared quite often too, anxious that anything I say will just sound stupid especially if I’m wrong about it. I’m trying to tell myself its better to be me, better to say how I feel rather than swim silently. It’s better to be different, even if we’re wrong. It’s better to be the only one doing it rather than being like everyone.
    I wish you good luck for your exam!
    Sarah

    Like

    1. Aw thank you so much!
      And I think you’re absolutely right in what you’re telling yourself about how it’s okay to be wrong and it’s good to be different.
      The problem about feeling anxious about such things is that from where you’re standing at the moment, these things look like mountains that are impossible to climb. Nobody in life wakes up suddenly filled with confidence, it’s a slow process.

      In terms of feeling stupid about being wrong, try and watch people around you when someone is obviously wrong about something. How do they react? Do people treat them like they’re stupid? Also watch how the person who was wrong reacts. I suppose a lot of your feelings come from not being sure how to react when being wrong in front of others. I have found that a big part of my confidence stemmed from faking it, until it came naturally.

      Not sure if that helps, but there you go 🙂

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

Create a website or blog at WordPress.com

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: