Treading water

What a mess of a week.

I feel quite crappy right now, and I really want to vent.

So in a nutshell, I’ve just been all over the place lately. This week has been really busy and stressful, as I’ve had to prep for the case presentation, plus I’ve been back-and-forth to the hospital 4/5 days.

The real issue with the case presentation is that I had no direct access to the patient files. Sure is fun when you’re having to talk about their medical history. As a result, I had to get all the patient info through my supervisor, and some 3rd years. Obviously this wasn’t at all ideal, and so I didn’t have a full picture of the case until the day prior to the presentation evening.

So I didn’t write my script/make the slides until the day of the event. I was feeling good at the time, since it seemed quite good, but I just didn’t have enough time to memorise the script.

Therefore, I was a mess in the presentation. I had 0 confidence and the opportunity I’ve waited a year for was completely wasted. I just feel like everything I do in life is half-arsed. I can’t remember the last time (or if I ever have) put 100% of my efforts into something.

I’m not bothered that I didn’t win. Not at all. I’m not a competitive person, and I honestly think that even if I was 100% prepared, I couldn’t have beaten the winners, who were amazing. I just wish that I could be proud of how I did. I feel really let down by how I did. Not only that, but my case supervisor and a friend were there, and I feel like I let them down too.

I just don’t have the drive that I used to. I think it’s because of how immense the workload is in medicine, as opposed to the neat, well defined borders of the GCSE and A-Level syllabi.

The exam was thursday of last week, and the case presentation was wednesday of this week. I didn’t really do any medicine work between then, due to stressing about/working on the presentation. As a result, I feel so behind and out of the loop. Now I’ve got a massive workload to catch up on. I just feel like it never stops. There’s always some massive task to do, or an exam to prepare for, or lots to catch up on. I feel like I can’t breathe. I feel like I’m treading water; any amount of work I do is never enough.

On top of all this, I’m finding it really hard to hold down the very few friendships I have due to all this stress, and me generally being a fairly dysfunctional human being. Somehow it was easier last year when I had nobody, as I didn’t have to constantly worry about if I was making enough effort, or if they actually liked me, as there was nobody to think that about.

Recently I’ve been saying that I hate medicine, in a jokey type of way. But I don’t think I’m joking. I know that lots of people would cut off a foot to be where I am, but that doesn’t mean I’m not entitled to my own emotions and thoughts.

The fact is that I want to be a Doctor. I want to work in a hospital and spend all day helping people, and getting to see the smiles on people’s faces when I make their lives a little bit easier. But right now, it’s all lectures and labs. I know I have to learn lots before the clinical years, but I really don’t like it at all.

I would be much happier if the workload was decreased a bit, and that was balanced by a proportional increase in hospital placement time. Seeing patients at the hospital makes me happy, as that’s the exact place I want to end up. It makes me remember why I want to do medicine, and gives me some temporary clarity and makes me believe that all this year 1&2 work is worth it.

I don’t know. I just know that I’m not that happy at the moment, I think it’s because I’ve had a stressful couple of weeks.

It’s friday night now and I’m back at home. It would have been lovely to stay at uni an extra day to meet up with a friend I haven’t seen for a while, but I was at the end of my tether earlier. I wanted to be at home, be with my dog and relax. Going home every weekend and seeing my family keeps me sane. It keeps me from losing my mind.

I’m going to spend the weekend trying to make a dent in this workload. We just started a new unit (it’s on movement, or something), so I suppose that’s an opportunity to turn things around and finally be on top of things, in real time.

At least I have something to look forward to, as well. A friend is having a birthday house party next Saturday, and I can’t wait. This anticipation takes me back to the good old days, when my friends would arrange a house party months in advanced, and it would be all we talked about for weeks on end. Those were the days. I have some very, very happy memories from the house parties we had back then. All gone now, though.

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